Dinosaurs (Especially T-Rex) Are A-holes

I waited until the crowds cleared to see Jurassic World in theaters. I have never been a fan of the series. In fact, each Jurassic sequel sucks more than the one before it. Much like the Friday The 13th series but way less machete killer like.

There were many thoughts going through my head while watching the movie:

1. Why build another amusement park filled with extinct animals that will kill you when you know damn well THEY WILL KILL YOU.

2. Why are Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard so ridiculously good looking? It’s just so not fair.

3. Why is T-Rex so fucking angry? I mean…damn. He’s really angry. Like out of coffee and not been laid in many months angry. He was such an asshole.

Let’s be honest…dinosaurs were assholes when they roamed the Earth some 65 million year ago. Dinosaurs were selfish bastards. They ate everything. They ate and destroyed everything in their path.They did not give anything back to the life system like bees do when the pollinate flowers.

For example, Brontosaurus ate all the plants and created huge divots in the ground. The small dinosaurs would always fall into the these giant foot indentions and were like, “FUCK YOU BRONTOSAURUSES I’m wet and cold now thanks to falling into the water within your giant footprint!” Dunkleosteus terrelli ate all the fish. ALL THE FISH. These fish had the ability to eat great white sharks without ordering an appetizer first.

But out of all the dinosaurs that roamed the Earth, T-Rex was definitely the biggest asshole. 

Tyrannosaurus Rex stood was 13 feet tall and was 40 feet long. Most scientists believe the T-Rex could run 45 miles per hour moving at top speed. T-Rex was the perfect killing machine. 

T-Rex were the quintessential Jersey Shore bro dinosaurs of the dinosaur kingdom. “BRO! I JUST ATE TWO DOZEN RAPTORS BRO! GOTTA GET JACKED AND RIPPED FOR TWO DOZEN MORE BRO!” His anger was like Jersey Shore steroid rage.

I mean…he was all super kill-y and bloodthirsty and angry. All of the time. I think the reason why T-Rex was so angry was that T-Rex was sad that the other dinosaurs bullied him because of his small arms. This bullying made the T-Rex really self-conscious and sad and that sadness made him really angry.

All the other dinosaurs were like, “Hey, look at you T-Rex with those small arms. HA! Because you have small arms.” The dinosaurs as individual species were probably even more cruel. The pterodactyls were like, “Hey T-Rex. Look at us, we can fly around and shit but you can’t even scratch your butt when it itches.” And then the Coelacanth fish were like, “Hey T-Rex. We can swim around in the deep ocean and be all translucent and shit but you can’t even pick up your prey after ripping its head off.” And then the brontosaurs was like, “Dude. We’re like the stoners of the dinosaur kingdom and all we do is eat planets and mope around like Eeyore like we just hit some of that OG Kush from a double-barrel bong or whatever. But look dude…we’re still way cooler than you, bro.” Even the raptors were like, “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You have fucking small arms! COME AT US BRO! And we thought WE were angry!”

Imagine having those small arms and no release for all that pent up anger from all that bullying from the other dinosaurs. T-Rex didn’t have that many partners due to the T-Rex having a penchant of eating their own kind. If you didn’t have many partners and had small arms, you couldn’t release all that pent up aggression in a constructive way. And if you couldn’t , then all that rented up rage couldn’t release that anger because you had small arms, wouldn’t you go on a murderous rampage and bite the heads off your victims?

So…I guess what I’m trying to say is I kinda feel sorry for the T-Rex. In a weird way, i understand why he butchered the other dinosaurs. And maybe some cavemen. A little sympathy for the devil here.

But the T-Rex was still an asshole.


Inspired by “3-year-olds Are Assholes” written by my friend Sarah Fader. You can find her original article, “3-Year-Olds Are Assholes,” on Huffington Post here.

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